Everyone has their own story, poem or blog about their past experience or life story. This is my story, and the following blog explains why I have been writing for the past six and half years.
As my About page mentioned, I am a survivor, specifically a survivor of sexual assault. It happened in my sophomore year of high school, which was already a horrible year. If my memory is correct, I had been dating a guy I met in a Theatre class for about six months. (I’ve blocked a lot of memories from that period in my life). It was half way through that relationship that my mom and other family members were telling me that he was being very manipulative, abusive, and obsessive with me. I didn’t want to believe that they were right, I kept it myself and continued dating him. As I continued to date him, I started to notice it as well. He would pull my arm behind my back, just because I had some comment that he did not like, or he felt insulted him.
To spare you all the details of this horrible time of my life; I eventually decided to break it off with him. I had been discussing it and he knew it was coming at any point, which I guess, meant he had better do something before I broke it off. His conclusion was to rape me in my own basement. As I tried to fight him off, he said, “You told me this was a fantasy of yours…to be raped.” I couldn’t believe he had said it. My sister had been raped in high school, so I would never have said that nor dreamed about it in a million years! No matter how much I screamed for him to stop and tried to fight him off, I couldn’t get away. I felt like I was floating over my own body because I couldn’t feel him touching me. I couldn’t hear myself breathing. After it was over, he walked back upstairs like it never happened, while I was left downstairs to redress and figure out what just happened and why.
After a month or so, I eventually had to tell my mom since she realized I had missed a period. It was then when I told my mom and sister what had happened….I didn’t think they would believe me since he was my boyfriend at the time that the assault occurred. A week or two later, we traveled to a Planned Parenthood Clinic for the operation to get an abortion. To me, the thing inside me was nothing but a monster, and it remains a monster. I couldn’t bear the thought of having to deal with him for the rest of my life. For months after that, I had to go into the police station, into the local courthouse for a restraining order, and therapy to start the healing process.
My therapist recommended that I start writing in journals, writing about my feelings and thoughts. So I’ve been writing poems and short stories over the last 3-4 years. They had been really helpful during those months of court, therapy sessions and EMDR.
Once college started, I had become so busy with balancing my social life, work, personal and school life; that I couldn’t find the time to continue my writing. That was until I found out through a friend of mine, just how relaxing, therapeutic, and beneficial blogging could be!
Thus, here I am. I am writing for myself, just as much as I am writing for another survivor of sexual assault, a fellow woman/man, a college student, daughter, mother and anyone else I can help through some difficult times or educate about certain topics and issues; because life can keep kicking you down, but you gotta get back up, stronger than you were before.
From the Ashes, We will Rise.
The Rising Phoenix